


Clandestinely Expected

by iampepijyg



Category: GOT7
Genre: Friendship/Love, M/M, No Strings Attached, non-au, that's what they thought
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-23 20:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17690405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iampepijyg/pseuds/iampepijyg
Summary: They weren't looking for anything when they found each otherand it somehow made them questionwhat they wanted,were they ready for love?But who is really ready for love?No one is ready for it.But when someone makes you feel alive againit's kind of worth the risk.Is it?It is a battle between friendship, work, and love.And is the reward worth all the risk?





	1. Misty

When Youngjae was little, he thought love was about red roses, expensive dinners, walk hand-in-hand in a park, and a kiss under the blanket of stars.  
But the truth is, love is giving him half of his burger when he said he wasn’t hungry anymore--- for he knows he will be going to ask for “one more bite”.  
Love is waking up at 3 am to him snoring and sleep talking about how hungry he is, and still refraining from shoving him off the bed.  
It’s talking in accents and acting cute just to make him laugh after a long day or maybe just trying to embarrass one another in public.  
It’s also going on adventures and making fun of each other.  
It is those petty fights, stupid misunderstandings, and memorable cringey makeups.  
Because Youngjae learned, love isn’t pretty and romantic;

Love--- how vague it seems to be---- it is just stumbling through life with your bestfriend, your soulmate, and your partner in crime all at once. 

 

Falling for him was never in Youngjae’s plan.  
Heck, falling in love was never on his list.  
He never imagined being romantically involved with him; “This is pure business,” he mumbled--- a mantra of some sort.  
How cheesy and cringey it might sound but Youngjae wasn’t looking for anything at all when he met him. Actually, he wasn’t planning on falling for anyone soon. 

But Im Jaebeom happened.

And that was it… Youngjae guessed.  
Youngjae wasn’t looking when he met Jaebeom--- the strict leader of their group. But it turned out he was everything Youngjae was looking for.  
Im Jaebeom enters Choi Youngjae’s life out of nowhere, and suddenly he means the world to him.

 

 

The beeping sound of the keycode made the younger brunette lad stopped from his nostalgic reverence, walking to the front door to help the older male take off his coat.

“Hyung, it’s already late. I told you, you don’t need to drop by. I am doi---” Jaebeom cut his words by gently pulling his arm and locked him in a tight embrace.  
“I want to,” the older male butted in response, voice muffled by Youngjae’s brunette locks.

No matter how much Youngjae would like to bask in the moment, he gently pushed Jaebeom to give them a bit of a distance. “Come on, I’ll heat up some food. You look so tired,” he said, already trudging towards the kitchen with Jaebeom trailing behind him. If Youngjae just looked closely, he will see a soft glint in Jaebeom’s eyes under the bright fluorescent lighting of the house.

They relatively eat in silence--- well Jaebeom eating and Youngjae enjoying a hot cup of tea--- it was not an uncomfortable one, but it made the younger male worried on how the man in front of him isn’t saying anything for the past thirty minutes.

Youngjae breaks the silence by asking, “Is there something wrong?”   
The older male lifted up his gaze, slowly shaking his head with a gentle smile playing on his lips, he reaches for Youngjae’s hand across the table and intertwined it like it was meant to be that way. 

“It’s okay if you can’t find the words, I’ll wait.”

And that’s how it’s always been, them knowing the words despite the silence.  
And that’s how it’s always been, loving someone without any strings attached---

\----that’s what he thought; that’s what they thought.

 

 

 

“It’s okay if you can’t find the words, I’ll wait,” the young brunette lad said. Thumb drawing small circles on Jaebeom’s knuckles. This earned him a small soft smile from the older male. 

The younger gently disconnected their intertwined hands, “No, just sit there. I’ll just do the dishes,” hands already reaching for the plate and utensils Jaebeom used.   
“Thank you,” he mumbled to the younger man. 

Jaebeom traced the youngers beauty from where he was sitting--- his physique did change a lot from the very first time he met him. They are now manlier but still exudes the same softness he adores.   
The first time Jaebeom met him, it wasn’t love at first sight… more like a question at first sight--- “Can this kid handle the stress of the idol life?”

His affection for him formed steadily. 

It all started when he finds himself searching first for the younger singer in the sea of crews and staff; when he finds himself staring longer at Youngjae; when he yearns more and more for his warmth.  
It all started when the word “younger brother” does not sit well on his tongue anymore.

His love for him formed gradually.

Gradually, he said--- from his positive personality, his honey-like voice, his soft hair, his warm eyes, the mole under his eye, his humor, the way he tucked his hair behind his ear, the way he laughs unrestrained, the way he got shy--- gaze looking down and smile…

Steadily, gradually, bit by bit….

It all came clear to Jaebeom, that Youngjae was exactly what he was looking for;  
The person that will courageously infiltrate the walls he built around him; that someone who will fearlessly discover the way through the labyrinth he made.  
The person who broke down his walls without him noticing, and rebuilt them but adding windows to let the warm sunshine in.  
That is the moment Jaebeom knew, he is undeniably… in love.

 

 

“Thank you,” Jaebeom said. The younger male trudges to the sink and dive into doing the dishes--- facing away from the older male.

Despite not seeing the other, Youngjae knows how much Jaebeom is trying to keep awake. His chin resting on his palm, one arm folded on the table, hair tousled everywhere---it looks like Jaebeom ran his hands on his hair multiple times on the course of the day.  
To Youngjae, Jaebeom looked soft under the bright kitchen lighting. The younger male turned off the faucet, slightly turning his body so he can watch Jaebeom from his peripheral--- he is staring at the ripples of the water from the glass he is holding like it holds all the answers in his questions.  
Jaebeom was the tide, always drifting in and out of the lives of those who adored him. Eternally indecisive, unable to discern whether he desired the solidity and safety of land, or the wild freedom of the ocean.  
It is not a bad thing though, Youngjae thought. Being the leader of six other rambunctious boys isn’t an easy task. Jaebeom always put the group first before himself. How he is always kind to others but lacks compassion to himself. How Jaebeom thinks that putting himself first is a selfish act.   
This time he is deliberately looking at the older male, body leaning by the sink. Trying to find the answers on the unheard questions swaying between them. Trying to make amend on the loose threads and weave them together.

“Spare the poor water from your deep wandering, Hyung,” Youngjae said after what he feels like a long time of silence.  
The older once again for the second time that night, lifts up his gaze to meet Youngjae’s. 

Dark onyx eyes meet warm caramel ones.

He scoffed at the sudden remark, “Yah! This Brat.”

Youngjae throws his head back and laugh unrestrained--- the kind of laugh that will brighten everyone’s mood, and Jaebeom is not exempted to it.  
In a matter of seconds, the whole apartment, maybe the whole building was filled with loud laughter from the two singers.  
Jaebeom was the first one who get holds of himself followed by Youngjae whose cheeks are now dusted by a slight blush from too much laughing. 

As the silence envelopes them again, the younger male marches to the light switch to change the light setting--- Youngjae knows that their leader prefers dimmer lighting. He watches Jaebeom as the older followed his movements and gently smile once he figured out what the younger singer has done.   
Once done with the lights, Youngjae settled himself on the chair in front of the older male. 

“Stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation,” he said mirroring Jaebeom’s stance but instead just one palm supporting his chin, Youngjae decided to cup his cheeks using both of his hands.  
He knows he caught Jaebeom off-guard from the way the older male quirked his eyebrows and pursed his lips.  
Youngjae swiftly grabbed the glass the older male has been holding since their late-night dinner ended and replace the now empty hand with his; dainty fingers making tapping motion on Jaebeom’s palm--- as if mimicking the drizzles that gently pour on the calm river and creating mellow ripples on the surface.

“Relax, we were never in control anyway,” and Jaebeom warmly smiled at him, softly closing his palm to stop Youngjae’s playing fingers, lifts it up and placed it on his left cheek, eyelashes brushing on Youngjae’s hand.

And they stay like that for a while. Motions seized. Time seemed to stop. Vulnerable and stripped- off.

And that night, as Youngjae looked at the man in front of him--- holding his hand with eyes closed, steady breathing--- he could feel it.  
He could feel the affection and love that filled his entire body.   
The kind of love that made him want to scream all his worries and fears, so they have no way of finding their way back in. 

That night when he looked at him, Youngjae thought with a gentle smile playing on his lips, agile hands gently sweeping the loose strands of hair that splayed on Jaebeom’s eyes, ‘ahhh, so this is how love is supposed to feel.’

 

 

 

“Relax, we were never in control anyway,” the younger male rebutted, he just gave him a warm smile as a response. Because what can he say, Youngjae is right once again. 

So, he did the only thing that what seems right at the moment--- hold the younger’s hand.   
Fatigue slowly creeping in, but he feels warm under the dim lighting of the younger’s dining area with his soft hand on his cheeks. Jaebeom let himself get lost in the moment--- soft voice that whispered kindness and sweet promises.  
In Youngjae’s hold, he has finally found all he never dared dream he could deserve or have--- the kind of love that is rare.  
Being known in a way that touches the deepest parts of him he doesn’t know himself. Accepted his demons in a way that blows his mind. 

Youngjae made Jaebeom love the person he is and the person he will never be.

He can still feel the tapping motion Youngjae made on his palm minutes ago. The way it calms his anxiety, brings quietness in his thoughts, takes solace to his uneasy soul--- like how the younger’s dainty fingers plays on the ivory piano tiles creating a soft melody that becomes a safe place for Jaebeom to stay.

It is enough.

Jaebeom feels the stare the younger is giving him and wonders what the other is thinking right at the moment. He felt the soft graze of Youngjae’s free hand sweeping away those loose strands of hair draping on his eyes.  
He slowly opened his eyes and meet the intense but soft gaze of the younger lad. And he knows, when both of them gently smile, it is like a secret they both share, they both know, even without any words uttered, they have found what the whole world desperately searching for.

The questions don’t matter anymore.   
The answer will always be him.

That night, Jaebeom learned that love is when you look beyond the suit of skin and flesh but seeing the person within.  
It is looking at his sleepy face in the morning while the warm sunlight grazes his features. The way he sometimes zoned out in conversation just to observe the younger’s face lights up as he talks, or how his eyes turns into crescent lines when he laughs--- and how that just melts something inside him.  
Because how will you define love, if it wasn’t those.

And that’s how it’s always been, him never believing in destiny until it led him to Youngjae.  
And that’s how it’s always been, loving someone without any strings attached---

\----that’s what he thought; that’s what they thought.


	2. Blue Skies

“Oh, you are so staring,” the dark-haired man heard coming from his left side--- and there was sitting his bestfriend for almost a decade; book on one hand with a smug grin plastered on his face. 

“Wh- what?” Jaebeom tried to feign an innocence to mask the reality that his own bestfriend has caught him ‘staring’ to the third youngest of their group. “Staring isn’t a commendable manner, Hyung” Jinyoung rebutted still a hint of conceit playing on his voice. 

“I am not staring,” he said, eyes still boring holes to the group’s sunshine that seems like still unaware of the two pair of eyes looking intently at him--- still immersed on the video that Mark is showing him on his phone. Jinyoung scoffed at their leader’s remark, but before he can say anything else, Jaebeom beat him to it and said with a sneer, “I am… just looking.”

And Jinyoung thanked heavens for not drinking any hot beverage at the moment for he will, for sure, will get choked on it, maybe a burnt tongue at most.

The dark-haired male vocalist stood up from his seat and tapped his bestfriend’s shoulder, “Take a picture, hyung. It’ll last longer,” but before Jaebeom can answer his bestfriend’s witty remark, Jinyoung continued, “Oh, Yeah!,” lips formed in a smirk, “You already have a lot.”

Jaebeom was now glaring at his so called ‘bestfriend’ and even wonders if the younger is worthy to be called one. An ‘enemy’ he thinks. He’ll gonna call this sly friend of his, his ‘enemy’ and mentally noted it.

Jinyoung crouched down a bit, “Mind sharing those photos to us, I mean, a good instagram post is enough, leader-nim,” holding back his laughter, eyes in crinkles, he left his now beet-red friend. And not for long, a loud “Yah” was heard and a flying shoe directed to Jinyoung was seen across the room.

 

 

 

Jaebeom promised himself that he must not caught any unnecessary feelings in the kind of job he had.   
‘Feelings shouldn’t be involved in this kind of work’ he said to his 16-year old self. He will not risk his years of efforts, his members efforts, and all the things they gave up, to be where they are right now.

But who was he kidding, he can only now laugh at his teenager self--- naïve, and innocent on things around him.   
Because how much he wanted to believe that love is only meant for movies and books--- love came along the way.

Unnoticed, discreet, inconspicuous---- because unfortunately, love does not walk into your life wrapped in a colorful present.

And in his case, it comes in a personification of the first flower in spring, the vibrant and nostalgic colors of autumn, the serenity of winter, and the warmth of summer.  
The genuine smile, the sentimental look, the innocent touch, and playful banter---- Choi Youngjae.

The others started to gather their stuff; all exhausted enough to hurry back home and call it a day. Jaebeom watched as Youngjae laughs with the younger members of their group--- the way Bambam makes some undecipherable noises while the maknae tells some funny story that earns Jackson’s hyena laugh, and on the other side of the room Jinyoung and Mark seems immerse on their own world, having silent conversation only the two of them can hear.

It always warmed Jaebeom that despite their differences everyone got along together seamlessly, and that what made him feel pacified and accomplished every night.

“Stop playing around and hurry up, rascals!!!” he shouts- commanded to catch the attention of the other six boys; and hurry up they did.   
Im Jaebeom was not the most passive-aggressive person here. He will tell you what you need to hear not what you wanted to hear. He was never the one who goes beating around the bush.

He is blunt in all ways and he wanted Youngjae in the bluntest way.

He wanted his lips, his hands, his arms. He wanted him the way the ocean wants the shore, always and constantly reaching and running back. He wanted him the way the rain wants to fall, the way the sun wants to shine, the way the words want to be read, the way lyrics wants to be sang. 

He wanted him to indescribable sums, to the millionth degree, that no amounts of rain could dose the fire he had for Youngjae.

But then, he learned to be unnoticed and discreet, he started to steal other words’ meaning to mask the words he really wanted to tell the younger lad--- words that he wanted to make it past his mouth but doesn’t have any courage to. 

As the other members slowly disperse and went on their way outside the practice room, Jaebeom slowly approached the younger who seemed to be struggling on fixing his bag strap.

“Call me when you got home safe, okay?” he told the brunette lad standing in front of him, bag now weighing down his shoulder. And that earned him a genuine smile from Youngjae.  
He wished and hoped that every time he said to the younger those words, he can understand the underlying meaning behind those innocent phrases his coward mind managed to weave together.

“Yes, hyung. You as well, don’t stay so late at your studio,” the younger reminded him sternly, whilst trying catch Jaebeom’s wandering gaze. The soft pat on his arm made him met the younger’s warm eyes.

And yes, Jaebeom knew, once his midnight orbs met the younger’s caramel ones--- Youngjae understood. 

Jaebeom cleared his throat ready to fire some remarks on how the younger just sternly commanded him, instead, all he did was pull the younger closer to him and bury his nose to the younger’s brunette soft locks and inhale his natural calming scent--- a hint of lavender and white musk--- whilst the younger’s arm caught in between the two of them.

No one else had been able to make Jaebeom feel so strong and vulnerable, while just as safe and equally as humble. With Youngjae in his hold, he knows that it was the younger, no one else, whom he was willingly surrender himself to. 

Under the warm lights of their company’s practice room with Youngjae in his embrace--- he felt at home.

Tightening his hold to the younger’s waist, he hoped that Youngjae will take it as a subtle plea,  
to never let go of him.

 

 

 

“…okay?” the delicate sweetness and overflowing care on Jaebeom’s voice halted the movements of the younger. Then he realized that the older was now standing in front of him body’s only arm-reach apart, eyes piercing but still exudes softness he rarely shows to others.

Youngjae doesn’t think it is fair--- the way the older look at him. Because by the time Jaebeom turned the other way, his heart starts to ache as if it just took a beating from a wild tiger that hadn’t been eating in weeks.   
But under the warm fluorescent lighting of their company’s practice room, when he looked at his eyes, it is as if Jaebeom’s eyes haven’t seen sunlight in years. And it shaken his nerves out of his body and onto the floor---

\----- Jaebeom, their stern leader, seemed to be perfectly fine. 

When, Youngjae was young, his brother told him ‘you should not rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart,’--- that you are just as strong on your own. But right now, as Youngjae’s eyes landed on their leader, he came to a realization… some of those ‘empty spaces’ are only shaped for another person to fill. 

That it does not matter how much you love yourself or how confident you have become. Because in the end he cannot hold himself while crying over hurtful comments, roll over and hug himself to fall back to sleep after a bad dream. Youngjae realized that the moment he cried his woes and tribulations to their leader that one cold night at the rooftop of their company--- Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.

Because the truth was, when you started to love someone, you are slowly getting to know them more intimately--- more clearly you will see their flaws. And Youngje fall in love with Jaebeom’s scars, the way he made sarcastic remarks, the way their leader feels helpless at 2am, the way he can get angry easily, and the way he sometimes wanted to be alone.

He fell in love with all of him.

And Youngjae learned how to read Jaebeom. 

Youngjae knows the reason why he is silent. He traced his weakest spots. He learned to distinguish the grey in his black and white.

Jaebeom showed Youngjae one important thing that no one has ever been able to show him before--- Not that he is beautiful, not the he is smart, not that he is sweet.  
None of that coming from him. But he showed him something more important than those things.

Jaebeom showed Youngjae he is important. 

As he softly pat Jaebeom’s hand to catch his wandering gaze, he hoped Jaebeom can see that he made Youngjae feel like the world is lucky to have him.

He stumbled in his feet as Jaebeom pulled him in a tight embrace--- his arms between their bodies. He can feel Jaebeom’s arms encircled his waist with a noticeable grip, the way he nuzzled his nose to his brunette locks, the way he can feel the erratic beating of his heart but still with a composed and steady stance. It always made Youngjae wonder how can Jaebeom easily masked his emotions--- discreet and unnoticeable by a passerby.

In Jaebeom’s hold he found the answers. Jaebeom… made his life like an arrow; the tip is a deadly sharpened point, so people can never come so close. Afraid that he will disappoint.

A silent scream of fear on how far he would fall, if ever tried to fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers block knocked me out hard but I am back with another 'short' chapter.   
> Be back in a few. 
> 
> Hope you guys liked it. 
> 
> Ciao~~

**Author's Note:**

> I AM NOT SO GOOD AT THIS. This is my first shot in trying a chapter story instead of my usual linear one, and also away from too much angst I get acquainted to. 
> 
> Big thanks to my lovely friends who keeps on encouraging me to post this and not let this rot in the dungeon. You guys know who you are.
> 
> Hope you guys like it. Enjoy!
> 
> bbuing~~~


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